My Testimony

It's no longer just a story when I read it
'Cause I've seen Him for myself and I believe it

The Woman at the Well
-Olivia Lane

Have you ever looked at someone and wondered how on earth they have such a deep love for Jesus, such a strong trust in Him, and such a powerful testimony?

That was me a couple of years ago.

My story of how I came to know Jesus may or may not look anything like yours, but it is worth telling just the same. I was born and raised in a Christian home. I could probably tell you the gist of most of the Bible stories. We read the scriptures as a family and went to church every Sunday, religiously.

I thought I knew Jesus.

Until about five years ago.

So, let’s take a walk down memory lane.

I was a single mom of three little girls, working as a teacher in a Catholic school and trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered world after years of abuse, betrayal, and hurt from an abusive ex-husband. Our entire world had been turned upside down, and honestly, I thought we were doing okay. Not just surviving, but actually thriving.

I had met an amazing guy, and he was helping me pick up those shattered pieces and glue them back together—not just for me, but for my girls too. Life finally seemed to be coming together. I was so grateful. After everything we had been through, I felt like I had finally made it through the darkness and was getting to dance in the light.

But life was about to change again.

A prayer I prayed would completely alter my reality just a year later.

At the beginning of that school year, I was asked to come up with a faith plan to present to the administration. The question was simple:

How can you grow your faith over the next school year?

So I started thinking about it.

And then it hit me.

I knew of Jesus, but I didn't actually know Him.

I prayed a simple prayer asking God to show me who Jesus really was and to help me come to know Him personally.

And honestly, there are days when I am so incredibly grateful that I prayed that prayer.

Because I have come to know Jesus in a way I never knew was possible.

But it hasn't come without a cost.

There has been loss. Shame. Grief. Humiliation. A completely broken heart.

The pieces of my life that I had worked so hard to pick up and glue back together were shattered all over again—only this time, into even smaller pieces.

And I've had to learn to completely rely on Jesus to be the One who picks up those pieces. To hold them for me. To keep them safe until I'm ready for Him to put them back together again through His grace and His love—not because I deserve it, but because that's who He is.

The time hasn't come for me to share my entire story. There are still pieces of it that I don't think I am ready to put into words.

But what I can tell you is this:

I lost everything.

Everything.

The boy who seemed so amazing and perfect?

We broke up.

Life with my girls took an absolute turn for the worse.

The career I had worked so hard to build came to a screeching halt.

And somewhere in the middle of all of that loss, I found Jesus.

Not in a beautiful, put-together life.

I found Him in the ashes.

In a completely broken and shattered world.

And maybe you're wondering how on earth I could come to know Jesus through all of that.

Well, here's the answer:

Worship music.

Many of the songs I found myself drawn to during that season of heartbreak, confusion, betrayal, and loss were songs sung by Mark Hall and the members of Casting Crowns.

Those songs gave me truth when I didn't know what was true anymore. They gave me comfort when I was hurting. They helped me begin to understand God's love and who Jesus really was.

I listened to them over and over and over again.

Eventually, I wasn't satisfied with just listening to the worship music Casting Crowns had produced. I had this almost insatiable thirst to know Jesus like that for myself.

I wanted to know Him.

Really know Him.

So I did what any sane person would do.

I started researching Mark Hall.

Not because I wanted to idolize him, but because I could see that his love for Jesus was real. There was something about his testimony that made me want to know Jesus that way too.

I learned about Mark Hall's testimony, how he viewed the Bible, and the stories behind the songs. Eventually, I learned about the church he attended.

And then I started logging onto YouTube every Sunday to participate in the worship service he was a part of.

I took notes during the sermons. I went back and listened to years' worth of their sermons. I spent hours during the week learning, studying, praying, and trying to understand this Jesus I had spent my whole life thinking I already knew.

And somewhere along the way, something changed.

Over those years of learning, seeking, and praying, I've come to know Jesus in a completely different way.

I wish I could say my testimony is as strong and deep as Mark Hall's.

I'm not there yet.

I still have to face the reality that there are things I've believed about God that I have had to unlearn. I am still learning to let go of misconceptions about who God is and accept Jesus for who He actually is—not who I thought He was supposed to be.

And every single day, I have a choice.

I can numb my pain with the distractions of this world, or I can bring it to Jesus.

So I bring it to Him.

I ask Him to heal it.

And every day, He meets me right where I am.

Little by little.

Day by day.

And the more I seek Him, the more I come to know Him.

If you want to know Jesus for yourself, I really believe there is only one way.

Well...maybe two.

Get down on your knees and cry out to your Maker. Ask Him to show you who He is.

And read your Bible.

Because you will find Jesus in those pages.

The greatest gift I hold and cherish—both now and forever—is my Bible and the relationship I have with Jesus.

I thought I knew Him.

I didn't.

But now I am learning what it means to actually know Him.

And I wouldn't trade that for anything.